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Just today on my usual short walk home i was just wondering about how things was going pretty fast, with the 5 semster coming to a close. I've always been fascinated by the progression of time, and how easily it slips us by in a blink of an eye.

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Just then an elderly man caught my sight walking in front of me, with a obvious limp and holding on to a metal frame crutch, slowly walking down a stretch of road. I kind of figured out that he was heading to this very old hdb estate which would probably take me 10 mins or so with the road crossing and stuff to reach. at his limping speed, god knows how long it'll take for him to reach the place. It was at this point of time i was reminded again how merciless time really is to us, to all human beings.

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I slowly walked behind him as i pondered how i could help him, but i realised that i couldn't at all. If he was carrying groceries or whats not, i'd gladly carry it for him all the way. But he was just alone, pacing slowly down a quiet amber shaded road in the evening. I did notice that he had old smeared tattoos on his hands and his legs, signalling a perhaps tumultous past that time forgot. As i walked past him to my block, I glanced at him. Deep patterns of wrinkles etched his face, and his eyes, staring blankly forward almost empty of emotions left me a last impression.

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For me, it was not hard to imagine at all how i would someday age beyond a point that i'll can recognise myself in the mirror anymore. I rather think although about the life i have now, and how at this point of time, i've already reached 24, yet not have a well defined goal and purpose in life. My memories of the past is slowly washed away by the waves of time, and i barely have any impression of the person i was before.

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Looking backwards in reflection and looking forward in hope has always been something i spend lengths of my time to do, yet i so often and easily lose sight of the destination that i am walking towards. I've always been envious of people whom are goal-orientated, seemingly always spirited in their footsteps to achieve those goals.

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Today's events made me remember about my grandfather too, whom i've never really had the chance to know more about. The tolls of time are always harsh and unyielding, yet it is a mere price to pay for those with a destination they have in mind. Well, always cherish those around you, and sometimes just sit to really reflect on your actions in life. Glance at the past like a film without sound playing in your mind, look around the present which presents you an endless amount of destinations, then look to the future, with a smile on your face. =]

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Who knows what mysteries tommorrow might bring, we just hope for the best, expect the worst, life is a play, we're unrehearsed.

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Oh well, 1st sem of year 3 is more than half completed, and everything looks pretty fine and dandy as of now. Works managing still ok, etc etc. Though once again i find detached from the social life kinda aspect. what to do when the only friend you hang out with is your girlfriend for your entire uni life. ok my junior kakis. hahaha.

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The thing about being in year 3 is that the working life seems pretty close now, and i keep facing the question if i'm going to be able to go on to honors. With my happy-go-lucky nature I don't think i'm that suitable for an final year project in which so much research and effort necessary to produce results. Ohh well, once again the main road in life which i've been travelling down branches off into so many paths in which i can follow, each spelling a much different journey into the future.

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I must admit that i havn't been really sociable, or perhaps people find me mildly morbid or stern. That aspect of my character baffles me at times to. I go from quiet stern to hyper active in matter of hours, in front of different crowds. Is being bi-polar weird these days?

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Its funny how my life still seems to be stuck at a stage of conflict as defined by eric erikson, where a young adult or adolescent struggles in finding his own identity, at the rest of identity confusion if unresolved. At times I pretty much get so lost with myself that i become mildy unpleasant, and thats the last of things that i want. Haha god knows how much the opinion of others of myself matters to me.

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Havn't really done any other physical activities on weekends besides stoning in front of the computer for the entire semester. I feel my entire social life crumbling around me in ashes and brimstone. haha woe woe woe..

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Oh well, exams coming in barely a month, and the end of the year coming up right around the corner. Its amazing how people can lose track of the progression of time in a year and the end just creeps up on you. Oh well, christmas and the end of the year has always been my favorite time anyway. yay?

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Hope for the best, Expect the Worst, Life is a Play, We're Unrehearsed.

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All the things that we do, all those silly and impecable things that we do, i guess we're all just looking for attention aren't we? haha..

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Well, schools started, and things are as ordered and mundane as i see them to be~

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I must say that something within me snapped last week, and the way that i see things now are really rather different than how i usually would. Call it a paradigm shift? haha i always loved that word, sounds really cool doesn't it.

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I guess the thought of the week was a question that was at the back of my mind for awhile. here goes, In the face of the infidescimally large world that we live in, how would we know who is the one that we would spend the rest of our lives with? Presented with an almost infinite number of possibilities, how do anybody actually decide?

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Fate? Destiny? Blind Passion or just that gut feeling we have? I find the prospects of a life that cannot be reversed increasingly frightening, especially when im nearing the end of the prime of youth..

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I feel like i'm losing out in the social aspects of my life, you know, the feeling that you feel detached from communicating with anybody, or enjoying going out.

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Half a month more to my birthday! Well my birthday last year was rather dull.. for once i just feel like being lavished in the company of friends and loved ones, to be the centre of attention for awhile. Wonder if anybody would do anything, haha its rather embarassing to think about it, the mounting desperation and hope for something fun and memorable. Haha!

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It was said that women are made from the ribs of men in the past, and as such i interpret it that men have a god given duty to take care of women. But yet i feel so helpless at any given day..

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I asked myself this question tonight, why are men not socially allowed to cry as much as women? I've never been tough, even though i always tried to be in front of others. I've always been strong when it comes to protecting the interest of others, but i always feel so weak when it comes to matters of the heart.

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I really want to throw a tantrum, scream and shout, but i guess i'm getting quite good at putting a front now. Logically, i rationalize that its really nobody's fault, but i really cannot explain how much it really upsets me when something i'm looking forward to becomes another imaginative event that will never happen.

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I've lived to 24 so far, and yet to me i've felt like i've seen, experienced, and perhaps understood more than what most people have at my age.

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I've seen the lure and temptations that beseech the human's inner self of desire, beneath the facades of pretty words and actions. I've experienced myself succumb to despair and selfishness when life throws me in unforseen circumstances. I've found myself in occassions more than once looking back over my shoulder at the path which i've took, only to find a trail of events encased in memories by time. I ask myself tonight once more as i always have, have i given all that i had to give for the ones i care about, or was i selfishly trying to mould them into a more suitable fashion in which i fancy.

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The true meaning of a relationship? companionship, the desire for ones another existence near ourselves. Above all the want of a person to play a major and big part of the other parties life, to really matter, and to feel mattered. A personal opinion it may be, but i've never felt that there should be a difference between the male or the female gender in which to treat a relationship. Both gender would have to give an equal amount of effort to maintain a relationship, as hard as it is now to do, with the complexity of the society's endless webs of intrigue..

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Yet effort exists in different forms, be it physical or psychological. The physical aspect being to trying to be there for every occasion in which the other party needs, or just wanting to be there with the person you love. Psychological? To have the things daily you do entwined with thoughts of your partner, the want to let her know about small funny little things, to wonder about whats she doing every now and then. I guess nobody would really stop to think about what it means to be in a relationship much often, its something close to the heart they people often neglect or ignore. Taken for granted, efforts wither with time..

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To feel loved? To feel mattered, to feel that your tiny little existance is noticed by someone. To feel that if you've disappeared even for the shortest of time period, someone would notice and immediately be worried for you. To have someone wanting to share with you about the smallest things in life that happened to them.

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I personally feel that the balance between giving and taking is impossible to achieve, as life occurs too fast for most of us to really reflect upon our actions every so now and then.

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I reflect upon my actions over the years tonight, and i don't deny, i have issues with human interaction. I am intrinsically judgemental and looks down on people unknowingly sometimes, believing in myself to be above those that are flawed. Yet i do not see that not everyone is perfect, and virtues are exhibited in substitution to those flaws.

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I look back on the relationships i've had till now, and i look upon it as failures on my part in fulfilling my role as a boyfriend. I've been selfish, emotional, and above all being unable to provide any sense of security to those that i love. But i lie not when i said i've truly placed my entire heart into a relationship without any reservations.

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But with every year that i age, i try to learn a little, to put things bad behind me, to at least try to understand my flaws. They weigh so heavily on me sometimes that i feel so alone in a sphere of darkness.

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I value love about anything in my life, and nothing can hurt me more but from the ones i love. I love so deeply that i would give in to anything to stop a quarrel, yet it seems always not enough. I've often wonder if we're really suitable for each other, but before i really want to find an answer to it i stop thinking about it, because i love her so much that no matter what i want to be with her. It hurts me so profoundly that it feels so real that she doesn't understand that i am but flesh and blood too. i can only give that much without feeling empty inside, and nothing makes me happier when i feel that i am a part of her life too. I've never stopped feeling so pained that i am always less important than the work that she has.

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I've asked countless times if she loved me, more than i can bring myself to, and more than i want to. Most of the time, she wouldn't reply. The pain is so deep whenever i try to convince myself of reasons, to try to understand her, tears more often than not wells up.

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I understand her, that's why i know.

she really doesn't love me anymore. I understand the truth earlier than she has, and it pains me now to look forward at the path that i shall be walking.